it is now 11:17 pm.

maggie's party is in greektown
beth's party is lakeview/uptown
and kellyn's party is somewhere on the eastside.

i have to work at 9 in the morning.
i could go out and have crazy fun but i think i might just go to sleep.
i can't stand the idea of people having fun without me and giving me shit for not being there later but i have to watch a four year old and a one year old for 6 hours tomorrow and i just really don't want to be tired.
not to mention i'm still hungover as fuck from our lake escapades.

why am i such a fucking grandma....
maybe i will go out.
..........................maybe i'll stay up all night thinking about going out and still not getting any sleep. only to do nothing.

i should go out.
fuck it, i'm going to bed.
damnit.

so long story short, mara ella and i got ass naked and jumped into lake michigan.
and not the beach part, but the wall part.

i almost drowned then we did the naked shoreline dance.

God, i'm fucking duhrunk.

my life was perfect until i realized that the production company i sent my resume to wanted me to come in for an interview for the INTERNSHIP i wanted SO BAD but i missed it and now i look undependable and i'll never do anything with my life ever.

my life is perfect.

the wildest most daring thing i've ever done may have been allowing someone to tame me.



also bridget wrote something neat and i want to keep it so if she suddenly erases her journal i'll still have it.

"Please god
Don’t let us forget those moments
We spent laughing
Playing on roof tops
Remember the summer nights
Running
Dancing in nothing but street lights

Thirsty for a time
Venture for the night and a train ride
Don’t fall
Stand crooked
Slow it down to speed it up
Read my mind

Beause its here
Today for everyone to recognize
Smile
Laugh
Joke
Play
Dance
Sing
And be seen and heard

Please god don’t let us forget
To live for laughter."

i burned a bunch of skin off of my hand like four hours ago and it still kills.

CURSE YOU EASY MAAAAAAC

i had 200dollars in fees from chase so i went in and BAWLED to the supervisor of the chase on wells, made a HUGE scene about how i'm young and poor and i dont know what to doooo.

and they reversed them. all of them.

i didn't actually think that would work.

I LOVE possessing the power to cry on cue.

this is the best day of my life.

are they fucking serious?

the government is getting SOOO fucking ridiculous.
between demolishing the warrant that is required to tap phones, satellites watching our every move, and SHOCK BRACELETS that can immobilize you for minutes at a time that they're talking about requiring passengers on flights to wear,
this is 1984 bitches.

i gotta get the fuck out of here.

it's fucking NINE in the morning. HOW are courtney and rachel awake?
bitches please.

but then i remembered OH YEA. They're going to Europe today! and i'm not.
that's fun.


slipping into deep depression in 5,4,3,2,1....WAIT. i bought 2 really cute dresses yesterday.
slipping into shallow depression........1...0....there.

skoulos bought my kittens a toy and i think that's just about the cutest thing in the whole world.

the drum circle was so amazing. hundreds of people and like 50 fire dancers.
i'm going to go buy some fire poi so i can dance next month.

anddd then i picked up zachary and we all went and got drunk on tony's rooftop which was lovely. there was a moment when i was just laying on the blacktop and staring up at this one star. and i was intoxicated so the star split in two and they both just kind of flittered around the sky.
suddenly i became very aware that about 11 people were staring at me.
and i hear zach and tony say "Val.... can you drive?" and i sat up and looked at them and everyone started laughing and it was so perfect.

i miss the shit out of zach.
we talked a lot about me going vegan.
i really just want to be healthy and i have the worst diet right now.
eating every couple of days when all you eat is processed bullshit is a bad idea. SO i got some recipes and i'm going to start with babysteps.
i'm going to do the mastercleanse again to get all the toxins out. thennnn i'm going to cut chicken out of my diet (which will be going vegetarian for me since i dont eat red meat or pork) THEN i'm going to cut out cheese and dairy.
i just think i'll feel better and this is the right step to take for my body.
it's really intimidating though...

OH my DIVINITY.

i think math and philosophy might be more than just deeply connected. i think that they are the same imagery and concepts in different language.
aka math=philosophy.

insert concepts into the equation. then use "some" or "all" to create your math statement.

i can't put thoughts into words and it's really frustrating.

ok so i exist. in my mind. because i'm alive. because i am thinking.and feeling.
so you exist. .... because i can interact with you and you have ideas therefore you can think. and you describe feelings with language.
but i will never know if what you are thinking is the same thing i am thinking.

you say you are thinking of a flower.
instantly i see a picture of a flower.
but my picture of the flower is going to be different than your picture of the flower until you use more descriptions to equalize the perceptions. and that is where language is flawed. because i will never know and you will never know if we are seeing the same flower.

"unless you take a picture"
....no.... for instance because we both see purple as purple and it draws the same conclusions and ideas because we have always known that "THIS" is purple. but your perception of purple could be something entirely different than my perception of purple. color itself could mean something entirely different to each of us. hell, who knows how many more colors are out there anyway.......maybe i'm the only person in the universe that can really see blue for what it is.

i've been thinking a lot about existence.


if the point of life is to exist, like bridget and i previously concluded... then why? why and how?

but then the questions seem redundant, answering themselves. to exist.

but then... what if we posess something deeper and more meaningful than language? what if our inability to translate the answers we already have into language is keeping us from knowing?
what if we already know but we don't know that we know?

what if language just isn't good enough..... there are no words yet.

well zachary kropp arrived in chicago around midnight and we've been awake ever since. i'm going to drop him off, change clothes, stretch go for a run and then he and i are going to go do yoga on the pier of the lake.

it was nice to watch the sunrise with both of my zack/h s.
and watch the sexy dawn joggers.
i think we saw obama's wife.
or maybe it was just a lady.

i'd like to sleep. this is the second night this week i've skipped sleep but after four shots of espresso, i can't seem to think about rest.

it's a beautiful day.

blast from the past? the saga lives.
life is crazy. love is sure.
i don't even know.








ewwwwwwww
unconditional love is gross.




where's my flask?
oh yea it's in my hand.


BLAH BLAH BLAH i'm out.

i saw a psychic today! 

she told me some cool stuff.
a lot of it i thought was bullshit like "big heart, honest, healing hand"  don't they say that to everyone?

BUT then she said that she sees that i have a hot temper, but never for foolish reasons. and lately i've been moving forward, but been puzzled. and i have a big change coming.

i'm also going to get a job and in the next 6 months i will meet a boy who is tall with a light complexion and dark hair.  and he will show me romance like i've never had. 

i'm going to live like forever and get married and have two kids.

says crazy psychic woman with a jesus closet in oldtown.

i am JAMMING to the cranberries "dreams" 

ugh, i suppose i should go pick up zach. even though he IS moving here and he should probably figure out how to use the motherfucking TRAINS!!!!!!!!!!!!!


i stayed up all night. stupid insomnia.  i just want to sleeeeeeeeeep. 
whatever. i think i just made a really big mistake.
i'm either about to look really stupid or i'm about to look really stupid.

sigh.

i really love architecture in helsinki and the weepies.

"You get tied up in your day, so I let go and walk away
And now we're loose ends of the night
We are always living in twilight

So it goes, though no one knows you like they used to do
Have a drink the sky is sinking toward a deeper blue
And you're still all right
Step out into twilight"





........

Oh I do believe
In all the things you say
What comes is better than what came before
And you'd better come come, come come to me
Better come come, come come to me
Better run, run run, run run to me
Better come
Oh I do believe
In all the things you say
What comes is better than what came before
And you'd better run run, run run to me
Better run, run run, run run to me
Better come, come come, come come to me
You'd better run.

I have thee biggest girlcrush on leslie feist.  not even joking, like i'm in love with her.
hands down, i'd turn lezzie for leslie.

BUT the concert was amazing. she's so funny and normal and just fun! you all should see her.

so brit and zach and i are in like the tenth row and brit and i get up and start dancing in the aisle all by ourselves and the security guard is flashing his light at us to sit down and britney is like "val!" and i'm like "i dont give a shitttt. this mah jam."  and then like hundreds of people stand up and start dancing with us and block the security guard and he gave up and feist (who is literally like 50 feet away) was just like "keep your dancing shoes on!" and i was like YESSSSS brit and i were responsible for an impromptu dance party and i loveeeed it!

best night ever.

Well today was awesomely uneventful.  
i got up, went to lunch with nat and chad (which WAS fantastic)
sigh... those crazy kids. oh and my chicken caesar wrap sucked. 
but the company made up for it. 
then i drove back to chicago where tony was battling an army of thousands. of gnats (with katy to thank for that) in my kitchen.  it was so bad i couldnt watch.  but like a brave warrior he took them down, 100 by 100.  until finally only a few thrived. 
we then finished cleaning the moldy, disgusting, filthy, katy-induced kitchen.  
THEN we mopped the apartment and listened to music and i rearranged the apt. after he left.  
it looks really great! like, i feel happy about living here now. it looks fuckin' tight.

and i was going to shower and go play wii at tonys BUT theres a crowd of people there now so tony's just going to come back here.  and i suppose i'll shower and buy some booze and invite beth and tony over.

thus, a glorious ending to a noneventful (well kind of eventful) day. 

ps:  that title really means absolutely nothing.

this year has been shitty. 

skoulos won't fucking commit to a relationship because he doesnt know what he's doing with himself yet but the least he could do is explain that to ME instead of liz. 

i'm losing friends left and right. ella's still not back. i'm fighting with my mom. 

i'm petrified of my future. i love columbia but it's so fucking expensive and people keep dropping out which makes me nervous that later on i might drop out.  
i mean, i could take classes at theatres or at second city but then i wouldnt have a degree. 
or i could take classes at theatres and at a cheap college and get a degree while working a lot.....
i just don't know. 

i'm going to go with it.  
fuck money. i'm going to do what i love because you only get one life. 
i'll figure it out. 
i always do. 

love, val.

off to maggies!